She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
