Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
