I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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