I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
