I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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