I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize