Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
