guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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