So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
