If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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