It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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