...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
