There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
