I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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