i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
