OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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