its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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