I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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