Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
