I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
