This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize