Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
