New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
