bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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