Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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