I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
