i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
