No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
