It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
