Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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