the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
