none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
