oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
