Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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