its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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