my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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