When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Randomize
