We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
