theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
