So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
