Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
