my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
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I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize