I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
