he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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