I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
