Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
