Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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