Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
