so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
