I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
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nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.