Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)