I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
