God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
