If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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