Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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