um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
