I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
