well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
