Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
