If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
