hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
